It is no secret that I am pretty negative about this socially
inept phase. Those who know me have generously put up with my exasperated moans
on a weekly basis: the teething, the dreadful sleep patterns, the sheer MESS
everywhere- all the time (can I blame this on a burglary?!), the crying
tantrums, the desire to toddle rather than ride the pram, – to name but a few.
Well as there is no sign of this phase transitioning over to
the far superior Pre-schoolers realm any time soon, it is time for me to take a
different approach before I sink into a deep hole of despair:
I give you my attempt at rose tinting the toddler years. Let’s
take advantage of these unpredictable mood swings, the inconsolable tantrums
and wayward frustrations. (-and that’s just the Mumas!)
We can use our pint sized whirlwinds to our advantage, I’m
sure of it…
1)
Queue Jumping
Parked on double yellow lines
outside the post office at lunch time? Need to get to the front of the queue
ASAP? No problem, you just need to wake your peaceful ToddlerMonster, carry
them without their comforter into the overflowing post office, join the snaking
queue and wait for toddlerMonster to come round. 5 or 6 seconds should do it
until the blood curdling screams begin. Even the hardiest Queue-goer will take
pity. You will see the Queue part like you are an emergency response vehicle.
Calmly make your way through the
throngs of tutting, eyebrow raising crowds. Attempt to pacify The Noise for the
sake of The Queue. If you experience resistance further down the line try suggesting
to ToddlerMonster that you hope they aren’t sick AGAIN. If this doesn’t work,
loudly realise the nappy has burst its banks.
You’ll be in and out that post
office in minutes. No Queue for you Muma.
2)
Domestic Squalor
Has a thick layer of
disorganisation swept through your home on a scale you thought not possible
since the NewBorn debris washed up?
Does it looks like you hosted a
playgroup by lunchtime? THAT’S OK. Is the Iroining pile is half way up the wall?
THAT’S OK. If darling hubster is having fish fingers for the 3rd
time that week for dinner then THAT’S OK: Toys are a necessity. Ironing is hot
and a bloody lethal activity around a pulling tugging tripping waddler, and
cooking one handed isn’t even a round on MasterChef yet. Frankly if you manage
to conjure up hot foodstuff during the Witching hour, when ToddlerMonsterItis
is at its peak then you deserve a medal – or at least a glass of wine!
3)
Missing an appointment
“I don’t recognise that number… oh they’ve
left a voice mail…. Hang on a minute, VETS APPOINTMENT, BUGGER”
This is a regular occurrence for me. Trying
to keep a track of appointments for myself used to be a tall order, but now I have
two other people’s social diaries to add to the mix its frankly getting
confusing. So missing appointments and rescheduling is becoming a regular thing
for me - something which I have discovered can cushion the blow is
ToddlerMonsterItis.
The basic workings of this tactic are:
1)
Realise the fuck up you have made.
2)
Contact via telephone to apologise & reschedule.
3)
Await gritted teeth acceptance of apology, and
then release the hound.
4)
This is the easy bit: ToddlerMonster will see
you are on the telephone. You are not therefore 100% engaging with her, this
will massively piss them off. To the point where they cry: LOUDLY.
5)
Cue tone change from down the phone, sympathy
washes up the line: forgiveness is close.
6)
Suggest your preferred rearrange date.
7)
(LOUDER WAILS, POSSIBLY SCREACHING BY NOW)
8)
Hesitation from down the line, that date or time
doesn’t suit them – but kindly voice will switch things around to make that
work because “you do sound like you have your hands full”
9)
BINGO.
4)
Making a quick exit
Fear no more; You are harbouring an unruly,
unpredictable but desperately sweet looking secret weapon. ToddlerMonsterItis. Muma’s gotta do what a Muma’s gotta do. A quickie
whinge because they can’t suck their toes with their shoes on can easily be elaborated
on in this situation…
“We had better leave now before she gets EVEN
MORE tired, and works herself up into a right state. What a shame. We were
having such fun!”
Done. Thank me later. You are out of there.
Windows down, radio on.
I would love this list to grow, I need more
Toddler positivity in my life. I have a good couple of years before the beloved
pre-school phase kicks in – share some ToddlerMonster one ups with me, please!!